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23 August 2012 @ 07:09 pm
Antique  
love extends
from heavens hands
to heavens ends
its clear demands
go solemnly
into obscurity
useless to you or me

the dead
are fed
the fruits of labors

the qualms of neighbors
long unsaid
bashing broken heads

silently pandering
alone on knees
with hands gesturing
the seeds
of his former
Family
that at once could be
enlightening
as well as deadly
to the psyche
of his young being
his well being
a well of sight seeing

stern days
of short meaning



and quick temper
my first whimper
pathetic and weak
I
forgot
how
I

was

supposed

to
speak

my soul is
antique

my story
told
my body


cold
its two
fold
this
slow
leak
 
 
 
Beth: chimerachibibluebird on August 24th, 2012 02:53 am (UTC)
This is playful and clever. I think the stanza "my story
told
my body" was especially well constructed.

This poem is (I think) serious in tone, so you should avoid rhymes that are obvious, and therefore cliche or funny. Long strings of rhymes on -e/-y are easy to do and can therefore seem cliche. Very common rhymes like see(ing)/be(ing) may also may be unintentionally humourous.

I think you should use apostrophes where appropriate - you don't really gain anything by dropping them, and dropping them can just look like a spelling mistake.
leftoverrebbeleftoverrebbe on October 16th, 2012 11:31 pm (UTC)
This is quite good. There seem to be two poems here; one is visual with the cadence modulated by the stretching, narrowing text, the other is aural and somewhat stronger. Your first three lines are exceptional and stand on their own. In fact, the poem would play well as series of clipped, three line phrases. Each of those three line phrases could start an entire poem--like "my story/told/my body." Leaving those stories unsaid would have a powerful cumulative effect. Rhyming works best when you have longer, cadenced narrative phrases. In short lines, it can lead to a burst of laughter as the other commentator said. Who bashes heads that are already broken? One can imagine the scene in an emergency room, where one tells the doctor "I was bashed by a qualm." Ack....see. That kind of imagery just gets folks riffing on their own and away from your meaning.